Housepets!

We all know how much Karishad loves a good (read: bad) pun, so let's see if we can give him a run for his money in an all out Punathon. Post all your favourite puns here. Remember to keep them clean and inoffensive.

I'll start the ball rolling, so to speak, with a few I wrote myself:


My friend said to me the other day, he said to me, "Hlaoroo," he said, "Hlaoroo, I heard a really great joke about the number zero." I said "Oh, that's nothing."

I walked onto Old Macdonald's farm the other day and immediately got hit in the head by a young goat. I said "You've gotta be kidding me."

I heard a guy boasting the other day that he was the best brass player in the world. He's gotta be tooting his own horn.

I have a friend who has a pet hare and whenever I try to pat it it always hisses and tries to bite me. Apparently it's because I rabbit the wrong way.

Old Macdonald told me that his goslings had hatched so he now had too many geese. I said "Cool. Can I take a gander?"

Did you hear about the sheep who was an expert deep-fryer? He was a battering ram. Or how about the sheep who loved putting the spread on toast? He was a buttering ram.

My friend once showed me this old broken down car and said "I bet you can't make a joke about that." I said "Yeah, that's never going to go anywhere."

You know, I can never get my laundry done. I always end up throwing in the towel.

I was watching the figure skating in the olympics with a friend the other day and there was a horrible accident where one guy got run over and the skates cut his legs off right below the knees. I said "Well it's pretty obvious who's going to win this." My friend said "What makes you say that?" I said" Well it's obviously not that guy - he just got de-feeted."

I ran into this huge crockery display in the store the other day and the whole thing fell on top of me and knocked me to the ground. You could say I was bowled right over by it.

I fired my window cleaner the other day because I caught him dropping his dacks and flashing my windows. He was leaving them all streaked.

You know, these two front teeth here are fake. I lost them both in the dentist the other day. I was sitting there in the chair and the dentist says "I'm gonna have to pull out that there tooth." So he whips out his pliers and yanks it out. He holds it up and goes "There you go, it's out." I go "It can't be. It can't be out that quick." He says "Yes. It is." I said "Oh, pull the other one!"

I'm allergic to tubers but we've never figured out why. We've never been able to get to the root of the problem.


Whew. I think that's enough to begin with. Let's see what you guys can come up with!

Zuchini and...
*shudders*

Anyways. I've dealt the first blow, so how about you return fire, Karishad?

Although, I was thinking of the Karishad from the comic. I'm assuming thats you?

Oooh, popcorn shrimp! For those who cannot eat them do to religious or ideological beliefs, or due to allergies, it's still a SWEET temptation!

Blergh! I cannot eat them due to my intense dislike of seafood.

But enough of that, let's have some jokes, people/furries/animals/whatever you are's!

By the Pun-isher, man (I mean, rabbit). I'm surprised that, by trying to defy the fox-guy with the unpronounceable name that probably means something demonic anyway, he would sneak into your house and shave your head fur with his magical hair-eating monocle.
What is that? You don't know about his magical hair-eating monocle?! I'm surprised you haven't HAIR'd of it!

Meh. I'd be more frightened of that squirrel who throws his acorns. I've heard that he drives people nuts when he shells them!

Acorn-ing to records, that's true.
Oh, man! (I mean, bunny!) I had a good pun but it's not safe for dork, I mean, work, or for school, or when your parents SEA you watching at your computer.
But I know for a FAX that:
The cake is a lie!
The cake is a pie!
The cake is a dye!
The cake is a sigh!
The cake is a fry!
The cake is a far cry!
The cake is a SPY!!!!
Spy is SAMPLING mah sentry!!!!

...I can't make head nor tail of that lot.
If, however, you'd written about lettuce instead of cake, then I could have discerned the tale of a head.

I have witnessed many lame puns, and made a couple of my own that rely on pony memes.

what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no eye deer

what do you call a deer with no eyes or legs
still no eye deer

did you know Rainbow Dash has an evil twin?
well, I say evil but she's really only about 20% crueller

did you know Rainbow Dash is descended from royalty?
But that was so many generations ago that she's only about 20% ruler.

I will be sure to post more when they come to me or I remember them. you know how these things are. totally punpredictable

Brent, reading those deer puns made me go blind, my mouth dry up, my tongue fall out, my ears bleed, and hair explode into a ball of flames.

All the signs of great puns. I hope you come back at least once a day with something as good as those two. (The Rainbow Dash ones were alright, but the deer ones were the best so far in the thread)

This thread makes me happy.

WARNING:Whomever participates in this competition shall be subjected to a thorough PUN-ishment! *U*

Pony puns make me feel like the bad guys from Indiana Jones when they open the Ark of the Covenant.

Duster wrote:WARNING:Whomever participates in this competition shall be subjected to a thorough PUN-ishment! *U*

I already said something like that already. For someone who has the picture of a mouse and a doggy on their account, you are such a copycat! Lololol

Harry Potter once said: "I wanted to hear a convincing and intelligent argumnt from my friends, but they are all Ron!" Hahaha. Get it? Wrong? Ron?

Last time I played a videogame with a controller with some friends, I thought they were yanking my cord.

Then they had the nerve to accuse me of being a bad player. I didn't know music was involved.

But when it came to Street Fighting, I just said stop ~ I lived on Second Street.

Here is one I find really funny but it's not from me.

In Germany we have a discounters chain named LIDL, they are selling lasagna as convenience food.
About two month ago they were found guilty to use horsemeat in their lasanga instead of beef.

After that this picture was created:

What's wrong with eating horses? I sometimes wish to RIDE to work while eating some of it.

Also, Mr. fox-guy has been around since december 2009, and he only posted six times before today? Doesn't quite fit here, and, for the first time, it isn't my pants....

Eating horse can have some side effects. It can make your voice like a pony (a little hoarse). I cantermagine anything as neighsty as that.

just make sure it's cooked all the way through. It could give you the trots. (a poop joke and a pun. only the highest caliber comedy)

RandomGeekNamedBrent wrote:just make sure it's cooked all the way through. It could give you the trots. (a poop joke and a pun. only the highest caliber comedy)

What a fine choice of words you've chosen. "Loads gun" Highest caliber comedy indeed!

Oh no you don't.
Vodka! Midori! Firecracker! Margarita! Tequila!
I'm the one calling the shots here!

Teeheehee. See what I did there? 2 puns rolled into 1!

2 for 1? What a dis-count! Hmm... When you say count, is it nobility or a measure of quantity?
You know why helicoptes choppas? Avoid the blades, I'll tell you that much.

Grass is the best defended of any plant. It doesn't use thorns or poison - it doesn't have to. It's armed with blades.

Speaking of grass, I shall plant some seeds of dissension in the fertile ground that is your mind through inception.

Ressive slew another adversary, splitting him in half as swiftly and easily as butter. Each time he befell an enemy, he made a solemn bow to the Dark Lord watching the competition behind the magically enchanted glass window atop the roof of the arena, from where the entire fighting grounds, and the gore and carnage in it, could be seen clear as daylight. That is, if daylight ever shone on those abominable territories under the Dark Lord's domain.
"M'Lord, look at that one go!"- Said the Dark Lord's evil advisor.
The Dark Lord's armor-clad posture seemed to, for lack of a better word, soften a bit as he stated, with his otherworldly, cavernous, and outright soul-chilling voice- "That is indeed quite the warrior, and knows when to show respect to his betters, such as me! What is the name of that competitor?"
"His name is Ressive, master. Of clan Farkalof of the Thunder Mountains."- Said the evil advisor in his ever so serene and appealing, yet clearly twisted voice.
"I've noticed a reddish hue to his skin,"- said the Dark Lord-"Does he happen to have some demonic inheritance?"
"Yes, M'Lord,"-answered the advisor inmedeatelly-"many clans from the Thunder Mountains and neighbouring territories have had dealings with the hellspawn for almost a century, now."
"So he IS a member of such demonic lineage, that's good!"- said the Dark Lord, a tone of pleased amusement on each word.
"Good? How so, M'Lord?"- asked the evil advisor, puzzled.
"Because that would make him imp-ressive!"- the Dark Lord answered.
Then they both loled out loud until their heads exploded. I guess you could say they LOLliPOPed!

I wanted to host a senior citizen surfing contest, but everyone I invited was all washed-up.

Silly Zealot wrote:

RandomGeekNamedBrent wrote:just make sure it's cooked all the way through. It could give you the trots. (a poop joke and a pun. only the highest caliber comedy)

What a fine choice of words you've chosen. "Loads gun" Highest caliber comedy indeed!

This isn't mine, but....

Rob Petrie said of his boss Alan Brady: "A man of his caliber has great firing power!"



From the same sitcom:



Rob: "Two days in the shoe business and already I'm a heel."
Laura: "No, you're not. You're a very nice man who just made a terrible pun."
Rob: "I do not make terrible puns. Now, hand me the nutcracker, sweet."

[Laura looks at him, Rob puts his hands up in a "don't shoot" pose]

Rob: "I made that up!"

Hehe "Nutcracker Sweet"! Love it!

I find it's best to keep away from that ballet. All the dancers are nuts.

Sorry.

Also not mine, but here's a good one:



Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...

Now at this point, you must understand two things.

1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this peformance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them there were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
and the score was tied.

Mind if this fox punts the thread?

Go for it, yehoshua!
Just remember that if you're eating while you post, use the forks, Luke!
*Badoom tish*

That pun isn't gonna spoon me

How knife of you to ask, Yehoshua!

Why of spork, PenWrite, I wouldn't dare to not axe.

Hm. You know, I could have sword I've New York Mets you somewhere elks.

That's hippopotamus.

This stuffing will probably crackers the readers up!

I'm pondering on how to create fancy funny pan puns but a panting panicking fanatic panther is punishing me for fantasizing about funneling all into the punchline, creating some fantastically huge pandemonium.

I'm lost.

Excuse me while I go look for myself in updock.



*waits for it*

Could you check the henway while you're over there?

You must be really Ernest about finding it.

I don't know about Ernest, but I met Poe the other day and he was stark raven mad!