Housepets!

I know this is double posting, but I need to share this with you guys.
“Well it seems that if you’re going bald, the next step is to form a paramilitary group, and set out to destroy everyone who still has hair on their head.”

"Justice is blind, not heartless."

Cheese balls are one of my all-time favorite foods. I always seem to meet the most interesting people when I’m around them, too. In fact, cheese balls bring to mind the time I met Bob Barker. … Yes, indeed. Bob Barker, star of the most popular morning game show. He’s an emcee, a host, and a celebrity all rolled into one. Anyway, eight months ago – it was Tuesday the 17th, I believe – or it might have been the 18th… no, no, it was definitely the 17th, because it was precisely one week after my Aunt Lucretia’s birthday, which is the 10th. Aunt Lucretia’s quite a woman. Loves to cook. She prepares a fabulous wor shu op. That’s a Chinese duck dish. I love Chinese food. I once went to a party where they served Chinese food and cheese balls. Now that was a catch-22 situation. Catch-22 was a movie, you know. It was long, very long. They say the book was better, but it was a novel and I never finish reading those things. … Of course, a lot of people don’t read much nowadays. They watch television. I caught a program on PBS last night. A very good show on chimpanzees in the media. They had a clip of J. Fred Muggs, the chimp from The Today Show. But it was Fred’s chimpanzee girlfriend that had me stumped. I couldn’t remember her name, so I looked it up. Her name was Phoebe B. Beebe. … Anyway, as I was saying, eight months ago, Tuesday the 17th, I went downtown on a nice, relaxing stroll. I love to relax. In fact, relaxing is a pastime of mine. Some people play golf. Others like tennis, horseshoes, bridge, canasta, and other such fancy hobbies. … Now, another hobby enjoyed by many is knitting. My grandmother was a great knitter. Knitted this sweater I’m wearing. It’s red, which is not my favorite color. I prefer mauve or mustard yellow. Now, don’t get me wrong: red is okay for ties and suspenders, but with sweaters I prefer more neutral colors. … But when I’m relaxing, I don’t care what I wear: long pants, Bermuda shorts, T-shirts, or formal attire. You name it, anything goes. Now, on the 17th, during my relaxing stroll, I recall wearing my herringbone jacket, my Laughlin, Nevada, souvenir tie, and my charcoal gray slacks. Or was it the navy slacks? Oh, I suppose it doesn’t really matter, does it? What matters is comfort. You know, I once stayed at a Comfort Inn – warm, cozy, comfortable. I love comfort. It goes along with that pastime of mine, relaxing. Now, for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than a nice, leisurely stroll, like the one I took eight months ago on the 17th. It was a bright, sunny day, which of course is the optimum condition for relaxed strolling. And as I walked along, I found myself humming a haunting melody. I kept humming and humming and humming and humming. I couldn’t get the tune out of my head. … I racked my brains to come up with the title, but to no avail. You see, I’m not terribly musical. And yet, I’d always wanted to play an instrument and be like my musical hero, Leo Sayer. … But who can compete with Leo? I think I was just scared that I’d fail. … Well, I decided right then and there to go buy a musical instrument. So on the particular Tuesday the 17th to which I was referring, I went down to the Sixth Street Music Emporium to buy a new tambourine – a terribly soothing instrument, contrary to popular opinion. And as I was strolling along, I detected a wonderful scent in the morning air. “What could it be?” I asked myself. … So I went toward that marvelous scent, distracted by its aroma from my musical mission. The odor was a mix of orchid flowers and bologna, which of course is one of the world’s most under-appreciated luncheon meats. That and pimento loaf. I love a good pimento loaf and mayo sandwich – the more pimentos, the better. Why, just the mention of pimentos makes my taste buds stand up and say, “Howdy.” Now there’s an interesting word: “Howdy.” Is it from “How are you” or maybe “How you doing”? “Howdy”’s one of those strange words that really has no origin. I like saying “How do” more than “Howdy” – more formal, I think. Not too flowery. But the flowery aroma of that particular Tuesday morning carried me on my fragrant quest. … Now, the smell was actually less bologna and more orchid – the beautiful flower found on the island state of Hawaii. Of course, I wasn’t in Hawaii, so I needed to search out the location of the nearest orchid. So, I visited every florist shop in town. Well, to make a long story short, not a single flower shop in town had any orchids in stock, which seemed mighty curious to me. Now, as we all know, curiosity killed the cat, but since I’m not a feline, I wasn’t too worried. Felines are funny creatures, don’t you think? … I had a cat once. It used its claws to tear my living room couch to shreds. It was a comfy couch, too. Had a sleep-away bed in it with a foam rubber mattress. Now, I bought the couch and the mattress at Levine’s Department Store on Third Avenue, the very same afternoon of that relaxing stroll aforementioned. I also bought myself a lovely tambourine on that same shopping expedition. Anyway, I didn’t want to pay extra for the delivery of the couch, so I decided to carry the couch home myself. It was quite cumbersome. And getting it through the store’s revolving doors was a bit of a challenge. And just as I emerged onto the street, by accident I bumped into a well-dressed man with an orchid in his lapel. It was Bob Barker, and he was eating a bologna and cheese balls sandwich.

“If Norway continues to hold up this tradition every time a delegation visits the zoo, the penguin will eventually become the supreme commander of Norway's entire army.”

"She named me 'Cloud', because she wanted me to shoot for the stars but figured I'd only get half-way there."

There is no death. It is only a transition to a different sphere of consciousness.

"Have you always wanted to cut your hair with a vacuum cleaner in the comfort of your own home?"

“Sorry, it’s already been decided I’m Evil Abe Lincoln Clone.”

"BANNING THE INTERNET! THERE SHALL BE NO INTERNET FOR ABUSING THE BAGEEELLL!

BAGEL ABUSE IS BANNED!!"

"When was the last time you mopped the garden?"

- heard on the street today. I'd love to know the context of that too!

"Who you callin Pinhead?"

Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and November.
All the rest have peanut butter,
except for gran'mother who ride a bicycle.
I don't like sttawberries very much,
can you swim?

“I’m not sure the forces of darkness are any better at relationship success rates than the forces of good.”

"You can do all sorts of things with a rock! You can break windows, smash someone's skull in, skip it across a lake, and, best of all...PET ROCK!"

“...forced to participate in an intergalactic game show wherein the losers' home planet would be destroyed by Tim Allen.”

"Whatever you think, don't never unless you will!" Ray Stevens.

"Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be crying all day."

“If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, god help you.”

According to what Brent told me, it has been long enough that I can post again without getting frowned at for double posting.
“Everyone is telepathic except humans. Even the whales have it down but humans are still derping about with their mouth-sounds.”

In the great cosmic scheme of things, you're not.

Sneak attack!
Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate.
Ahay, sneak negotiation!

This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang, but with an "Oops! Oh, carp !!"

"I have the power of God and anime on my side!"

There's no business like shmoe business ..."

“You two… are really, really dumb. In fact. You two are so dumb, that I’m going to prove to y’all how dumb you are. With math.”

"I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I'm running through the backyard and there's this big chain-link fence and I thought, 'I've never climbed fence that high before!' and then I woke up at home."

Doesn't it concern you at all that wrens will never be allowed to compete in this swim meet again if the giraffe wins?

"I'm pretty sure putting a Santa hat on a T-Rex in a museum breaks a crap-ton of animal protection laws ."

Yes, a man can shave with a lawn mower but he'll need a lot of petrol for the machine, a lot of shaving cream for his face, and he'll be brushing his teeth for an hour thereafter.

“Wait, the camera’s my lover now?”

When I was younger, I wanted to grow up to be somebody but now I wish I'd had more choices.

“Physics is for people who don’t dress up in tight rainbow spandex.”

"Huh. The PC's actually on fire right now... I think that's the first time he's successfully cooked something."

Hey, there's nothing wrong with looking down this rifle barrel...I'm using a flashlight.

“Of course! It all makes sense! Evil pizzas are no match for a simple stoplight, but we can harness the power of pizza for good!”

"Every time she talked about taking over the world, I just looked at her like you might look at someone who just said their wallet tastes good!"

“Why the heck does this keep happening? Does the other side of the moon have a big neon sign on it that says ‘Vacancies’?”

"All I wanted for Christmas was 283 fanfics to update…

oh well maybe next year."

If life hands you lemons, it could be your breath....