Housepets! Age of Marvels

[JageshemashFTW]

Bino opened the engine to the car, smoke billowing from sputtering mess inside.

“You’re gonna get cancer sticking your face in there.” Allegra said, dutifully on stand by next to a tray of tools.

“Everything gives you cancer these days.” Bino grumbled, squinting at the engine through his safety goggles. “Hand me the three/eigth drive.”

Allegra crossed her arms. “Is there a ‘please’ in there?”

Bino lifted the goggles off his face so he could give Allegra a proper glare. “Please hand me the three/eigth drive before I fire you.”

“You can’t fire her.” Rex said from within the driver’s seat. “You got her on contract for at least the next three years.”

“Can’t I veto that contract?” Bino said, grabbing the socket wrench from Allegra. “I mean, my legal team drew it up, I’m pretty sure I can cart-blanche that sucker.”

“The fine print says that if you fire me before my three years are up, I get a generous severance package and a regular pension for ‘emotional distress’.” Allegra said. “So, go ahead, you’d actually be making my financial status better.”

“Emotional distress? What kind of hippy drew that up?” Bino said, trying in vain to wrench open the offending valve. “Also, you read the fine print? Who the heck reads the fine print?”

“According to your legal team, they had to put that in there since your management style can actually, legally be described as ‘grounds for hazard pay’.” Allegra said with a smirk.

“Okay, so why is my legal team brown-nosing you so much?” Bino asked, handing the socket wrench back to Allegra. “Hand me the solvent and the grease pad.”

Allegra crossed her arms.

“Please.”

Exchanging the tools, Bino went back to work clearing out the valve of gunk while Allegra peeked over his shoulder.

“Because, last I checked, you personally hand-picked me to be your assistant. So you told basically your entire company to get me in your corner. A man in your position is a King-Maker, Bino, and you essentially tossed me a crown. I could have asked for a horse drawn carriage to ferry me to work.” Allegra said.
“Yeah, well, I picked you because your credentials made you seem like the best of the best.” Bino said.

“Were they wrong?” Allegra asked.

Bino stood up, wiping the grease off his face with a towel. “No, but they never mentioned how utterly annoying you could be.”

With that Bino slapped down the hood of the car, a flame-decaled 1980’s chevy pick-up, and shot a thumbs-up to Rex. “Okay, try it now Big Guy.”

Rex returned the thumbs up before turning the ignition. The truck sputtered and trilled, but showed no signs of starting. Each turn of the ignition only further cementing it.

“Okay, stop, stop. What is the problem, girl?” Bino said, lifting the hood again.

“How much longer is this going to take.” Allegra asked. “You still have a meeting in just two hours, which you’ll need to shower and change beforehand.”

“Relax, mother. I’m sure I can figure this out.” Bino said. “Ah! It could be anything. Could be the actuator, could be any one of the sparkplugs getting copper build-up, could be… Oh.”

“Oh?” Allegra said.

“I uh… I forgot to refill the gas tank.” Bino admitted.

“Seriously!? I’m sorry, where on the rankings of ‘Smartest People in the World’ are you at right now?” Allegra asked, rubbing her temples.

Bino sighed. “Number Six.”

“Isn’t Number One, like, a five year old girl?” Rex asked, poking his head out the driver’s seat.

“Seven, actually, she’s just starting 2nd Grade.” Bino said, grabbing a gas canister.

“Smartest person in the whole, wide world. And they’re subjecting her to public school?” Allegra asked.

“Apparently, her parents wanted her to have a ‘normal, childhood experience’.” Bino shrugged. “Personally, I think that Jenga tower fell down as soon as she got a pet time-travelling T-Rex.”

With the gas tank filled, Bino turned to Rex again. “Alright, try it one more time.”

Rex crossed his fingers and turned the ignition. The engine vibrated and then a loud roar echoed throughout the workshop.

“YES!!!” Bino yelled out, pumping his fist into the air. “SHE LIVES!!! Oh, listen to that dragon roar…”

“Y’know, I would have figured after everything else you’ve ever built, something like this would be like Legos for you.” Allegra said, smirking at the display despite herself.

“First of all, don’t diss Legos. Second of all, retro cars like these require so much more than just engineering know-how.” Bino leaned over the car’s hood, caressing it like a baby. “You gotta feel out the engine, really show some heart. Repairing beauties like these are just as much an art as a science.”

“Should I leave you two alone then?” Allegra said, chuckling.

“Y’know what, you just might have to.” Bino said, making a show of kissing the flame-printed hood.

Suddenly, a klaxon started ringing throughout the workshop. A large computer terminal at the far wall turned itself on, displaying an image of a large ‘A’.”

“Oh no, this was supposed to be my day off…” Bino grumbled. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., which one of those idiots is it?”

A computerized voice sparked out over a set of intercom speakers. “Captain America, boss.”

“Oh, great, the boyscout. Alright, put him on screen.” Bino said, mentally preparing himself for the headache.

The screen fizzled on a static for a half-second, before a brown mutt with blue eyes in a star-spangled costume stared blankly from the other side of the screen.

“Is… Is it on? The light isn’t… I thought you were supposed to look for a light.” He argued with someone out of view. “Alright, yeah, I see him, I just wasn’t sure if he could see me.”

“Peanut!” Bino snapped, grabbing the dog on the screen’s attention. “Yes, I see you. Yes, I hear you. Yes, you are a completely hopeless grandpa! Now, what do you want.”

“Right, sorry about that.” Peanut said. “Um, well we got a Code 4 making its way through Manhattan right now and-”

“English, Cap. I don’t speak soldier.” Bino said.
“Uh, right. A, um, giant robot. Intel thinks A.I.M., but they’re not totally committed to that theory. Scans show it is unmanned, so Full-Force is authorized.” Peanut said. “Uh, listen, if you’re too busy, we got other guys on retainer. You’re just the closest.”

“Nono, I can take care of it. I got nothing important going on.” Bino said, already making his way to his ‘closet’.

“What about your meeting?” Allegra asked.

“Like I said, nothing important.” Bino said, smirking. “Tell Ralphie I’m suiting up and heading out.”

“Roger, Peanut out.” Peanut was about to end the call when Bino saw a flash of purple and black suddenly cross the background.

“Woah, woah! Don’t hang up yet! Grape!” Bino yelled at the screen.

The purple and black smudge got closer to the screen until Bino could make out a purple cat in black military fatigues, holding a bowl of ravioli in her silver, robotic left hand.

“Is that my ravioli from the fridge?” Bino demanded.

Grape nonchalantly took another spoonful of pasta. “It’s a communal fridge, Shell-Head. Should have labeled it.”

“I did label it, you thief!” Bino said. “I thought you weren’t a super-villain anymore, yet you still commit such horrid, evil acts!”

“Bino, the giant robot.” Peanut pleaded.

“Right, fine, but this conversation isn’t over. A man’s food is a sacred thing!” Bino yelled before Grape sighed and turned off the feed.

“Did she just hang up on me? Ohoho, we are going to have words kittycat!” Bino placed a palm on the scanner next to his ‘closet’. “Just as soon as I finish kicking this tin-can down the street.”

“Do you want me to get Fox on the line, see if he can suit up?” Allegra asked, pulling out her phone.

“Eh, keep a finger on speed dial but don’t bother him yet.” Bino said. “I should be able to handle a bot from A.I.M.”

With that, the ‘closet’ opened, revealing a rotating chamber of various, high-tech, mechanical suits. All of them staring forward at attention.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., bring up the Mark V and prep for deployment.” Bino said.

“You got it, boss.”

The chamber spun in place, exchanging suits from a hidden room behind the wall, until a red and gold suit with bright, white light in the chest faced Bino. The suit opened up, waiting for its pilot.

Bino took off his oil-stained tank-top and jeans, revealing a skin-tight bodysuit with circuitry running along the length of it, most of these circuits centralized around a glowing circle of hardware implanted in Bino’s chest.

Bino stepped into the armor which clasped down around him, the whirring and hissing of the hydraulics in his ears as the suit shut itself tight.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., run a check-sum.” Bino said. “Thrusters?”

“Check.”

“Repulsors?”

“Check.”

“Cyber Suite?”

“Check.”

“Bring up HUD.” Bino said, and various panels recreating his surroundings in A.R. lit up around his face. A number of screens showing a variety of data and diagnostics sprang up before him.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“Yes, boss?”

“Cue the music.”

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3dpAVxA2EA)

---

Outside the ByronCorp HQ building, a streak of red and gold shot like a bullet out of the port at the roof of the building. Already, passersby on the street held up their phones, eager to take pictures of Bino’s latest fly-by.

Iron Man had taken to the skies.

“Alright F.R.I.D.A.Y., download all intel on this bucket of bolts from SHIELD.” Bino asked the AI.

“Including the classified files?”

“Especially the classified files.”

“You got it, boss.”

Bino was nearing Manhattan when a ringing sprang up in his ear.

“Boss, you got a call.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. said. “Caller ID has been filtered under ‘B-Lister’ category.”

“Probably my brother.” Bino said. “Put him on.”

A click was heard as the call went through, before Joey’s shrill voice hit Bino’s ear.

“HOLY CRUD, BRO!! ARE YOU SEEING THIS!!”

“Hi, Joey. I take it you’re already on site?” Bino asked.

“If by ‘on site’ you mean staring down a freaking Evangelion, then yeah!”

“Alright, I’m ETA a minute inbound. You focus on damage control and getting civies to safety. Leave the butt-kicking to your older bro.”

“Hey, I’m not arguing! Dallas says ‘hi’, beeteedubs.”

Bino allowed himself a small smile. “That’s right, how are your new proteges by the way?”

“Currently freaking out more than me. I don’t think they were expecting to fight a giant robot on their first week.”

“Right now, they won’t have to. They’re on civy duty with you. Only back me up when you’re sure everyone is safe.”

“Got it. Duchess and Sasha are already leading evacuations. Lester and Dallas are helping them now.”
“Woah, Sasha is there?” Bino remarked. “Then what the heck do you guys need me for?”

---

Bino weaved his way through the Manhattan skyscrapers, hearing the chaos before he actually laid eyes on the gargantuan machine.

Joey’s earlier comparison to Evangelion wasn’t misplaced. The robot’s proportions were lanky and gangly, but no less massive. Clearly built for mobility, as mobile as a giant mech could be.

Not only that, but the mech’s head was almost animalistic in design, actually roaring in rage.

“Seriously? Who designs a robot that roars?” Bino asked himself.

The monstrous mech finally took notice of the flying, metal dog, unleashing a large, barreled chamber from a secret panel on it’s arm.

“Oh crap…” Bino said, before blasting away from the robot’s sights, peppering him with blasts of yellow energy from the repulsors on his hands.

“This thing’s armor is pretty thick.” Bino said over an open mic to any Avenger in the vicinity. “Sasha, if you’re not too busy, I could use something to soften him up for me.”

“On your left, Shell-Head.” Sasha’s voice crackled in his helmet.

A nano-second later, a streak of golden, sparkling light raced past Bino as a tan dog in a red and blue bodysuit tackled the giant robot right in the center mass, pushing it back a good five feet.

The robot held out a hand to stop itself from falling, scraping a chunk of masonry from the building next to it. Rubble and debris fell down at the people scrambling for safety below.

“Oh no!” Bino said, racing towards the ground. He landed on his feet, surprising the people around him, before lifting his hands up, creating a domed energy shield over himself and the people under the falling debris.

“We got you covered, Bro!” Joey’s voice said in his ear.

Within seconds, two figures swung under the debris, catching the majority of rubble in two webs, one white, physical web and one made of green, sparkling energy.

The two figures landed in front of Bino, his brother Joey in his red and blue spandex, bug-eyed mask completely concealing his face, and Duchess wearing her red bodysuit with the yellow center, her angular domino-mask the only thing covering her face.

“Thanks…” Bino said, turning off the energy shield. “You went back to your old costume, Spider-Girl?”

“Spider-Woman.” Duchess growled.

“Right. Spider-Girl is my time-travelling daughter from the potential future.” Joey said. “I can see why you’d get confused.”

“There is literally no overlap.” Duchess said.

“Hey, Shell-Head!” Sasha yelled in Bino’s helmet. “You brought me to prom! Aren’t you gonna dance with me?!”

“Be there soon, Cap.” Bino said.

“Captain America is here?” Joey said. “Oh, right! Other Cap…”

“Can you two spiders get these people out of here?” Bino said, gesturing to the still frightened speechless civilians.

Duchess shrugged. “Sure, not like we could actually contribute or anything.”

“Glad to know where we all stand on the pecking order, then.” Bino said, smirk hiding behind his helmet.

“Choke and die.” Duchess said.

“Bino! Giant robot! Now!” Sasha screamed again.

“Gotta go. Can’t keep a lady waiting.” Bino remarked before turning his thrusters back on, flying back into the fight.

---

A.N.: I have no idea if I'm going to continue this. I'm already juggling two other stories so this might go on the back-burner for a while. I just had the idea pop into my head, and I had to get it down on paper. This definitely will not be, like, a continuous ongoing story. More like an anthology of various vignettes that take place in this mash-up world. If that seems like something that would interest you, let me know and I'll see about making some more in-between my other two stories.

[Nathan Kerbonaut]

This was a fun read! I really enjoyed the characters, Peanut as Captain America made me chuckle

[Buster]

Why do i get the feeling tiger's instability is going to crop up in green sooner rather than later?

[furrygamer793]

It's good, but I just can't see Peanut as Captain America.